BEEF SPONGE

So before we start down this slippery slope to culinary purgatory, just to be clear I will be eating everything I make (well, trying at least - I may not be able to force it all down), and trying to make stuff as cheaply as possible with as little waste. Failing being able to stomach it myself, I have 2 cats and one will happily eat tissues and/or the sick of the other one, so fingers crossed there won't be much going in the bin. Except possibly the cat if something turns out particularly badly.

Anyway, as crack addicts almost certainly say before taking a hit, let's get cracking. I've kept it simple by doctoring a regular sponge recipe by national treasure (in that she's as old as many geological gemstone finds), Mary Berry. If for some inexplicable reason you fancy cooking along in the comfort of your own home (and in safe proximity to your own lavatory), you will need:

For the cake:

113 g (4 oz) self-raising flour
113 g (4 oz) butter
113 g (4 oz) of 'special mix' (see below)
3 eggs - usually 2 will do for this size cake, but it was way too dry. You might be OK if you have massive eggs though (goose, griffin, hippo)
1 teaspoon baking powder

Is your mouth watering already?

For the filling:

125 g mince (cooked)
Some mustard (while in Tesco buying stuff I passed an ad that said 'Meat needs Mustard!', and who am I to argue with a placard on a shelf?)
Beef paste

'Aaaaaargh!' more like.

For the 'icing':

Squirty cheese spread - you know, the awful stuff

Optional:

A very large cup of tea to help with the saltiness and to wash it down
Indigestion tablets
An understanding family

Cooking instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees C.
2. Measure all the ingredients into a large bowl.

I should probably have stopped at this point for my own good.

3. Mix all of the ingredients using a electric whisk, or a non-electric whisk if cooking during a power cut.

4. Pour the mixture into a non-stick 18 cm tin (you'd usually get 2 tins, but it doesn't rise that well due to claggyness).

Well if nothing else, it looks like you could use it for minor interior wall repairs.

5. Cook in the oven until a bit browner than it was to start with (15-25 minutes - test it with a knife, skewer or a finger you're not fond of).

6. Cool on a wire rack before serving.

All things considered, it looks remarkably edible.

7. Cook the mince and stir in a good squirt of mustard to help it stick together.

Because nothing screams 'delicious filling' like meat that's taken on an unexpected greenish hue...

8. Assemble!

The term 'robust' springs to mind. Also 'Unpleasant' and 'May cause blindness'.

9. Oh dear. Time to eat.

Oh, that 'special mix'. Obviously I didn't put sugar in this (I'm not that masochistic), so instead I came up with 113 grams of delicious substitute. This was made up of:
gravy granules (4 teaspoons - this is how much they suggest for a regular vat of gravy)
paprika
chilli powder
salt
pepper
oregano
mixed herbs
Literally, anything I had lying about that wasn't washing up liquid (and I considered that). I then made the rest up to 113 g with more flour. The flour doesn't mix in as well as the sugar would though, hence the bonus egg.

The results

Once cooked, I sliced it in half and liberally applied some meat paste to the top bit of the bottom bit (if you see what I mean) to help the mince stick, then slapped the mince in and popped on the top half. Somewhat regrettably, the mustard mixed in with the mince made it take on a distinctly green tinge as you can see from the pic above, but luckily once the top was on you couldn't see it. Although unluckily for me I'd already seen it so knew it was lying in wait like some sort of beefy algae.

Finally, presentation is of course everything so I did some arty stuff on top with the cheese - make sure the cake is cool though, otherwise the cheese spread will melt and go runny which will be REALLY unpleasant (as opposed to just mildly unpleasant).

So, with a muted toot on a broken trumpet, here's the finished article!

Pac-man had seen better days...

But of course, what you all really want to know (other than 'For the love of god, why???') is, how does it taste? Well...actually, it was surprisingly not too dreadful. The cake was a fair bit more dense than a regular sponge would come out, but aside from being a bit too salty for my personal taste and leaving you with the aftertaste of gravy for about 2 hours afterwards and mild heartburn, it wasn't too bad. Indeed, texture-wise it was a lot like what you'd get on top of a cobbler (as in a minced beef cobbler, not a shoemaker's toupee). The beef paste, mince and mustard filling was a bit congealed, but the cheese spread lightened things up nicely. And by 'nicely' I mean 'I could swallow it without my throat closing up'. In fact it was so remarkably and surprisingly acceptable, I ate a whole slice AND kept the rest to have some more later rather than immediately binning it. Not that that 'later' has arrived, admittedly, but if it lasts until tomorrow without starting to stink real bad and/or I don't get the runs overnight, who knows?

I do have a suspicion that if it got wet at all it would start to 'bleed' brown ooze from all the undissolved gravy granules, but I'd like to think that's just a savoury equivalent of those self-saucing puddings you get. But all in all, a resounding success for my first attempt!

Next week...RIBENA CHICKEN!