(NOT) 15-MINUTE MEALS
So picture the scene. You're a busy executive, and spend most of your days selling, I dunno, office carpet or water filters or something equally shit. You get home from the trendy wine bar where you hang out with all the other filofax-toting hipsters after work for a quick break before going clubbing and need a meal, but on no! The Uber to come and pick you up to take you to HOLLYWOOD DREAMZ nightclub will be here in 15 minutes - that means there's not even time for you to cook one of Jamie Oliver's 15-minute meals, and if you don't eat you'll faint on the dancefloor while rocking out to Coldplay and be the laughing stock of the office tomorrow!
Well sod that lark, because I'm here to save that fictional day and do the quick even quicker. It's like Usain Bolt vs a Usain Bolt clone (or is it 'an Usain Bolt clone'? Does a/an still work if it's a name?) and the clone happens to have motorbikes for legs and if that wasn't inexplicable enough an aerodynamic cone for a face. Yes, we're going to attempt to do a 15-minute meal in HALF THE TIME! Or failing that, at least a bit less than 15 minutes.
Why? FOR SCIENCE*!
*Because my wife and daughter are away for the evening, so I get to dick about in the kitchen. Also: science!**.
**Not really science. No one's going to benefit from this nonsense. Sorry.
Due to not wanting to be clattered round the wallet for copyright infringement I can't blurt it all out here verbatim, but if you want to know what I'm making and what - in theory - it should look like, here's a link to the original:
Jobbily Boliver's lame takes-15-whole-minutes version. That's basically a fortnight in cooking!
Back yet? Good. Right, on to the main event. This was so fast and furious I didn't have time to stop and take photos, so through the power of a lump of blu-tack stuck to my toaster, here's a fabulously high-res recording for you to imbibe in REAL TIME. I certainly enjoyed seeing myself filmed from what must be one of the top 6 least flattering angles!
Just to make it clear: I've never made this recipe before, and all the 'prep' I had done - other than buying what I needed, obviously - was stuff that'd take ages otherwise (oven on, pan heating up etc.). Like approximately 1/4 of an episode of 24, the rest was 100%pure skill panic/winging it in realtime.
So was all that ineptitude and swearing worth it? Well obviously not, no - but I did make something! Take a look for yourself:
Or better still, take a further look for yourself, only in moving picture form! Yep, no expense spared tonight - I've uploaded not 1, not 3, but quite obviously the number inbetween of 2 videos!
Just one small admission out of honesty. After persevering once I'd stopped recording, I couldn't finish the salad as it turned out I'd used precisely 10,000% too much coriander. This, combined with the feta, made it all a bit...tangy. Turns out a bland old avocado might have been a good idea after all, were it not for the fact that it tastes like polyfilla and looks like something you might scoop out of the Incredible Hulk's ear canal.
The chilli though was fine. A bit runny, as mentioned, but other than that very nice indeed. The 'proper' recipe has you put the rice in with the chilli to 'warm it through', but I reckon J. Oliver is cheating and is really using it to soak up the excess liquid. So if you fancy cooking this but don't want soggy rice, you might want to put a washing-up sponge in at the last minute. Or maybe serve it on some newspaper, a bit like chips. Only wetter.
In fact the only real downer was the carnage that was left. I mean, it looked like this AFTER I'd finished clearing up.
Mmm, lovely rare chicken! Bleeeeeeeeeee.
Well sod that lark, because I'm here to save that fictional day and do the quick even quicker. It's like Usain Bolt vs a Usain Bolt clone (or is it 'an Usain Bolt clone'? Does a/an still work if it's a name?) and the clone happens to have motorbikes for legs and if that wasn't inexplicable enough an aerodynamic cone for a face. Yes, we're going to attempt to do a 15-minute meal in HALF THE TIME! Or failing that, at least a bit less than 15 minutes.
Why? FOR SCIENCE*!
*Because my wife and daughter are away for the evening, so I get to dick about in the kitchen. Also: science!**.
**Not really science. No one's going to benefit from this nonsense. Sorry.
The recipe
Due to not wanting to be clattered round the wallet for copyright infringement I can't blurt it all out here verbatim, but if you want to know what I'm making and what - in theory - it should look like, here's a link to the original:
Jobbily Boliver's lame takes-15-whole-minutes version. That's basically a fortnight in cooking!
Back yet? Good. Right, on to the main event. This was so fast and furious I didn't have time to stop and take photos, so through the power of a lump of blu-tack stuck to my toaster, here's a fabulously high-res recording for you to imbibe in REAL TIME. I certainly enjoyed seeing myself filmed from what must be one of the top 6 least flattering angles!
Just to make it clear: I've never made this recipe before, and all the 'prep' I had done - other than buying what I needed, obviously - was stuff that'd take ages otherwise (oven on, pan heating up etc.). Like approximately 1/4 of an episode of 24, the rest was 100%
The result
So was all that ineptitude and swearing worth it? Well obviously not, no - but I did make something! Take a look for yourself:
 |
| That's not bad really, is it? I mean, come on. It's not like it's on fire or full of broken glass and fag ends or anything. |
Or better still, take a further look for yourself, only in moving picture form! Yep, no expense spared tonight - I've uploaded not 1, not 3, but quite obviously the number inbetween of 2 videos!
Just one small admission out of honesty. After persevering once I'd stopped recording, I couldn't finish the salad as it turned out I'd used precisely 10,000% too much coriander. This, combined with the feta, made it all a bit...tangy. Turns out a bland old avocado might have been a good idea after all, were it not for the fact that it tastes like polyfilla and looks like something you might scoop out of the Incredible Hulk's ear canal.
The chilli though was fine. A bit runny, as mentioned, but other than that very nice indeed. The 'proper' recipe has you put the rice in with the chilli to 'warm it through', but I reckon J. Oliver is cheating and is really using it to soak up the excess liquid. So if you fancy cooking this but don't want soggy rice, you might want to put a washing-up sponge in at the last minute. Or maybe serve it on some newspaper, a bit like chips. Only wetter.
In fact the only real downer was the carnage that was left. I mean, it looked like this AFTER I'd finished clearing up.
 |
| Not quite sure what to do here now, other than perhaps make a really quite dreadful salad. |
The aftermath
Well I think today we all learned some vital lessons. Turns out cheese makes a lousy avocado replacement. And coriander is a lot stronger than you think for something that looks like cress that got drunk and decided to let its friend cut its hair. But most of all, it turns out you CAN always go faster. You just have to be prepared to live with things being runnier as well - and if you're cooking chicken too fast, this would be in EVERY sense of the word.Mmm, lovely rare chicken! Bleeeeeeeeeee.
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