PURPLE MONSTER CURRY
Purple monster curry, eh? Well this all sounds very lewd doesn't it? But wait, come back you hopeless prude! Before you run off to rinse your eyeballs in toilet duck (or own-brand equivalent such as u-bend buzzard, sink flamingo or urinal puffin) I've not suddenly gone all 1990s lad mag - there's a reason this is called purple monster curry that has nothing to do with the sort of groin-based innuendo you'd find in one of the ill-advised modern attempts to reboot the Carry On films.
You see, when I'm not actively creating washing up that leaves semi-permanent funny stains in the sink, I like playing video games. And one of the best video games of recent years, and indeed all years, is The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
For the philistines among you who don't know, in that game you can make yourself various foods to give yourself various abilities, and one such food is the monster curry, which is a rather awful shade of purple what with it containing monster guts.
Anyway, because hardcore gaming fans are really stupid idiots, in Japan Nintendo licensed a company to make an actual promotional purple curry as a tie in* (look, here: https://aitaikuji.com/ichiban-kuji-the-legend-of-zelda-hyrule-lifestyle-monster-curry-mix). Regrettably I don't live in Japan and I'm not spending 20 quid or so importing something that probably tastes like a pot noodle, so instead I thought I'd make my own! Plus it looks repugnant and I reckoned it would probably taste dreadful as well, and we all know my oral suffering is what you're really here for. Bloody sadists.
*Astonishingly, this is by far the least shitty cash-in on display, given they also made a master sword shoe horn. You know - for that massive demographic of videogame-loving, replica-weapon-collecting arthritic pensioners with ill-fitting shoes who can't bend down to put them on and would like the aid of a novelty item. I'm honestly not joking either. Observe:
It's dangerous to go alone, so take these*! Specifically: to the till to pay for them, as they're what you need for this week's tomfoolery.
*That's a nerd joke, as it's the intro line to the first ever Zelda game - but of course my explaining it has made it 100 times less funny and it was already borderline, so let's just forget I mentioned it and move on.
* A red onion
* A red cabbage
* An aubergine
* A small tin of kidney beans
* Some purple sprouting broccoli
* Some violet food colouring
* Some vimto
* Some of those purple heritage variety type carrots that you'd otherwise only ever buy at Christmas because Jamie Oliver suggested it, and your snobbish Aunt is coming round and you want to show off
* Some rice
* A can of purple monster energy drink
* A jar of curry sauce of some sort - I went for Thai green, because after all, this is a Thai-in! Ha! Admittedly I've only just thought of that joke, but I'm bloody glad I didn't get the jar of rogan josh stuff as that'd be much harder to squeeze a pun out of.
First job is really easy - just chop everything up into decent sized chunks. And while you're at it, get your kitchen equipment sharpened if you need to. Not that I mention that for any particular reason, you understand.
Once you've either broken your knife or your cabbage, chop up the rest of the stuff (potentially with your back-up knife if the former gave out first) until you end up with a plateful of bite-sized chunks. Or, if you prefer, chunk-sized bites.
Then, pop some oil in a decent-sized frying pan and get the onion going first, then throw in all the other bits as you go along - you'll probably want to dump the hardest stuff in first. Cook everything for about 10 mins or so, stirring occasionally. The food, that is - I'm not suggesting you go and have a series of incredibly short naps.
At this point we're almost ready to add the curry sauce. Admittedly I could have made my own, and was planning to at one point, but I couldn't find any of the little purple chillies I wanted to use that would have gone with the whole theme. Then again, I might have got off lightly: a few years back I grew some of these, and used them when making a vegetable chilli for a vegetarian friend. The chillies in question are a bit 'Russian roulette' in that they're usually fairly mild, but about 1 in 5 is insanely hot. I happened to have 5 chillies on my plant, so tried a teeny bit of one - it was really really hot, so I assumed I'd be OK adding a wee bit of that one for heat and the rest for flavour. Except my plant clearly had a death wish, as 5 out of sodding 5 of the little violet bastards were full-on heat-wise. It was much like I imagine it would feel to take a swig from one of those crucibles they smelt iron in.
Capsaicin-laced anecdotes aside, you can of course go as hot as you like, and indeed as purple as you like. This, for example, is a good half a tubes-worth:
Well I say 'as purple as you like', but turns out violet and pale green doesn't result in the most appetising of colours...
Before you have the sense to abandon the whole exercise and run off screaming, lob in your curry sauce and cook for another 5-10 mins or so until everything has started to soften up a bit. Including your resolve not to try eating it.
Oh! before you (read: me) forget, put your rice on to cook. You could of course boil the rice in a good slug of monster energy drink and vimto, but I went the lazy route of microwaving some and then stirring some in. I also lobbed in another slug of food colouring because at this stage it's hardly likely the rice is what'll kill me.
Slop the remainder of your monster energy drink in a glass, and you're ready to serve - and imbibe whatever special ability this concoction will impart! Assuming you count indigestion as a special ability, that is.
Well one thing's for sure - it's definitely purple. More purple than the actual proper product, given they don't bother colouring their rice and don't provide a beverage. Bloody amateurs.
But how did it taste? Here, I am very VERY glad I did a certain thing, and that certain thing was this thing here: putting the rice in a separate bowl. Because, despite appearances, the curry was excellent. Turns out the one thing the purple food colouring didn't do was change the taste much - which given how much of it I'd added was remarkably fortuitous. So I'd absolutely recommend making it just for fun, or for anyone who likes spicy meals that resemble compost - an adventurous cow, perhaps?
Look, Barbara - here's a work in progress, and I finished the lot in the end!
The rice though? Christ on a tiffin delivery bike, that was awful. It transpires purple monster energy drink tastes of an unholy smorgasbord of candy floss, mouthwash and the contents of a junior chemistry set. It doesn't so much set your teeth on edge as file them all off at random angles then insist you eat a large bag of diamonds while being injected with 47 double espressos. In short I would suggest unless you have a very sweet tooth and/or narcolepsy, maybe skip the side order. Or I suppose just have some regular rice. But where's the adventure in that, eh?
Just one word of warning (and before that warning, here's another warning: this isn't even made up to justify the imminent terrible pun I'm letting you know about in advance) - I did get quite a lot of windy pops after eating all this curried veg. Breath of the wild? Breath of the vile more like! Eh? Eh? Oh sod you then.
You see, when I'm not actively creating washing up that leaves semi-permanent funny stains in the sink, I like playing video games. And one of the best video games of recent years, and indeed all years, is The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
For the philistines among you who don't know, in that game you can make yourself various foods to give yourself various abilities, and one such food is the monster curry, which is a rather awful shade of purple what with it containing monster guts.
Anyway, because hardcore gaming fans are really stupid idiots, in Japan Nintendo licensed a company to make an actual promotional purple curry as a tie in* (look, here: https://aitaikuji.com/ichiban-kuji-the-legend-of-zelda-hyrule-lifestyle-monster-curry-mix). Regrettably I don't live in Japan and I'm not spending 20 quid or so importing something that probably tastes like a pot noodle, so instead I thought I'd make my own! Plus it looks repugnant and I reckoned it would probably taste dreadful as well, and we all know my oral suffering is what you're really here for. Bloody sadists.
*Astonishingly, this is by far the least shitty cash-in on display, given they also made a master sword shoe horn. You know - for that massive demographic of videogame-loving, replica-weapon-collecting arthritic pensioners with ill-fitting shoes who can't bend down to put them on and would like the aid of a novelty item. I'm honestly not joking either. Observe:
 |
| Seriously? Also, why does this lady even need it - her shoes are clearly already on. |
Ingredients:
 |
| Look at the range of purpleness on display - it's like a bruised rainbow! |
*That's a nerd joke, as it's the intro line to the first ever Zelda game - but of course my explaining it has made it 100 times less funny and it was already borderline, so let's just forget I mentioned it and move on.
* A red onion
* A red cabbage
* An aubergine
* A small tin of kidney beans
* Some purple sprouting broccoli
* Some violet food colouring
* Some vimto
* Some of those purple heritage variety type carrots that you'd otherwise only ever buy at Christmas because Jamie Oliver suggested it, and your snobbish Aunt is coming round and you want to show off
* Some rice
* A can of purple monster energy drink
* A jar of curry sauce of some sort - I went for Thai green, because after all, this is a Thai-in! Ha! Admittedly I've only just thought of that joke, but I'm bloody glad I didn't get the jar of rogan josh stuff as that'd be much harder to squeeze a pun out of.
Method:
First job is really easy - just chop everything up into decent sized chunks. And while you're at it, get your kitchen equipment sharpened if you need to. Not that I mention that for any particular reason, you understand.
 |
| Bugger. Still, I'm sure at some point we've all found ourselves furiously banging a knife wedged in a large crop vegetable on the table like some demented carpenter wielding a semi-organic hammer. Who hasn't? Oh, right - everybody. |
Once you've either broken your knife or your cabbage, chop up the rest of the stuff (potentially with your back-up knife if the former gave out first) until you end up with a plateful of bite-sized chunks. Or, if you prefer, chunk-sized bites.
 |
| Aside from the sauce, this is possibly the healthiest meal I've ever done and was probably at least 4 of my 5 a day. Of course, this is on a separate 'healthy meal' scale to other, more regular dinners that don't employ energy drink and a load of purple chemical dye of indeterminate origin as ingredients, but hey - I'll take what I can get. |
Then, pop some oil in a decent-sized frying pan and get the onion going first, then throw in all the other bits as you go along - you'll probably want to dump the hardest stuff in first. Cook everything for about 10 mins or so, stirring occasionally. The food, that is - I'm not suggesting you go and have a series of incredibly short naps.
 |
| While you're waiting for your veg to soften, why not have a go at the free maze you get with every red cabbage? |
At this point we're almost ready to add the curry sauce. Admittedly I could have made my own, and was planning to at one point, but I couldn't find any of the little purple chillies I wanted to use that would have gone with the whole theme. Then again, I might have got off lightly: a few years back I grew some of these, and used them when making a vegetable chilli for a vegetarian friend. The chillies in question are a bit 'Russian roulette' in that they're usually fairly mild, but about 1 in 5 is insanely hot. I happened to have 5 chillies on my plant, so tried a teeny bit of one - it was really really hot, so I assumed I'd be OK adding a wee bit of that one for heat and the rest for flavour. Except my plant clearly had a death wish, as 5 out of sodding 5 of the little violet bastards were full-on heat-wise. It was much like I imagine it would feel to take a swig from one of those crucibles they smelt iron in.
Capsaicin-laced anecdotes aside, you can of course go as hot as you like, and indeed as purple as you like. This, for example, is a good half a tubes-worth:
 |
| Well this doesn't look too bad! |
Well I say 'as purple as you like', but turns out violet and pale green doesn't result in the most appetising of colours...
 |
| VOICEOVER: This was, in fact, the moment things started looking really bad. |
Before you have the sense to abandon the whole exercise and run off screaming, lob in your curry sauce and cook for another 5-10 mins or so until everything has started to soften up a bit. Including your resolve not to try eating it.
 |
| With all this purple and occasional bit of green, I can't help thinking I've accidentally made a meal themed around eating the Incredible Hulk from the crotch downwards... |
Oh! before you (read: me) forget, put your rice on to cook. You could of course boil the rice in a good slug of monster energy drink and vimto, but I went the lazy route of microwaving some and then stirring some in. I also lobbed in another slug of food colouring because at this stage it's hardly likely the rice is what'll kill me.
 |
| In an attempt to branch out into lifestyle blogging, why not follow my recipe for purple rice to make some for throwing at a wedding? Or if it's a divorce, just leave it in the pan I suppose. |
Slop the remainder of your monster energy drink in a glass, and you're ready to serve - and imbibe whatever special ability this concoction will impart! Assuming you count indigestion as a special ability, that is.
Results:
Well one thing's for sure - it's definitely purple. More purple than the actual proper product, given they don't bother colouring their rice and don't provide a beverage. Bloody amateurs.
 |
| They say you eat with your eyes. Which is a shame, as my eyes insisted this was the dredged-up contents of a stagnant peat bog, with a glass of liquid heart attack as a chaser and a side order of what you'd find inside your Nan's pot pourri bowl. |
But how did it taste? Here, I am very VERY glad I did a certain thing, and that certain thing was this thing here: putting the rice in a separate bowl. Because, despite appearances, the curry was excellent. Turns out the one thing the purple food colouring didn't do was change the taste much - which given how much of it I'd added was remarkably fortuitous. So I'd absolutely recommend making it just for fun, or for anyone who likes spicy meals that resemble compost - an adventurous cow, perhaps?
Look, Barbara - here's a work in progress, and I finished the lot in the end!
 |
| If I had one regret, it's that all this purple didn't make my mouth go a suitably silly colour. Though now I think of it, I've clearly been doing this blog far too long if that's a regret I put ahead of starting this absurd exercise in the first place... |
The rice though? Christ on a tiffin delivery bike, that was awful. It transpires purple monster energy drink tastes of an unholy smorgasbord of candy floss, mouthwash and the contents of a junior chemistry set. It doesn't so much set your teeth on edge as file them all off at random angles then insist you eat a large bag of diamonds while being injected with 47 double espressos. In short I would suggest unless you have a very sweet tooth and/or narcolepsy, maybe skip the side order. Or I suppose just have some regular rice. But where's the adventure in that, eh?
Just one word of warning (and before that warning, here's another warning: this isn't even made up to justify the imminent terrible pun I'm letting you know about in advance) - I did get quite a lot of windy pops after eating all this curried veg. Breath of the wild? Breath of the vile more like! Eh? Eh? Oh sod you then.
Post washing up epilogue:
 |
| Shite. I guess I'm off down the shops for a new chopping board... |
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