I CAN BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER, DAY 3: CUSTARD AND GORGONZOLA
OK, so this was supposed to be toothpaste and corned beef, but it turns out I was missing one of the key ingredients - namely yellow food colouring. After a brief visit to Tesco I've now got some, so I'll be forcing that particular cavity-preventing beef-up down my maw tomorrow. As I've mentioned it though, I may as well address the inevitable question - is adding food colour cheating? Possibly a wee bit (as opposed to a bit of wee, which would be yellow anyway but I'm not putting that anywhere NEAR a sandwich), but then they put yellow food colouring in margarine as it's a sort of uninspiring grey lard-esque hue without it. On that basis, using it to yellow up a blob of toothpaste is arguably perfectly in keeping with what they do with real butter substitutes, and so fair play when trying to find an all new butter substitute for when you've run out of all old butter substitutes. And after that I never want to type the phrase 'butter substitute' again. Not least of which because I keep putting 'substitue' for some reason.
Anyway, today's admirable understudy is certainly an interesting one. It was originally going to feature later in the week as custard and fish fingers in tribute to Doctor Whom (I don't know him/her, so only seems right to be more formal). But as I had the cheese and - more importantly - it was going to go out of date tomorrow, it seemed a shame to waste it. In as much as shoving it in a sandwich with a generous dollop of dessert sauce isn't wasting it AND a load of other stuff.
Still, as the French would say, Regarde! Le baguette de creme anglaise avec fromage diabolique! Bof!
My main worry today was that gorgonzola is pretty strong tasting stuff at the best of times, so if this was rank I'd probably REALLY know about it - potentially in both directions. I've only been sick once after eating strong cheese (in that case, stilton) and it was many years ago, but I still remember it being bloody horrible. To be fair, I wasn't sick because of the stilton - I just happened to eat it and then get food poisoning the same day, That special sort of food poisoning that inexplicably comes on after you've drunk 6 pints of real ale (ahem). Regardless, it was very much the Special Brew of vomiting - a lot tangier and denser, and it left your mouth feeling like you'd just eaten a car battery.
And of course cold custard isn't particularly pleasant on its own, given it resembles a jaundiced jellyfish. Throw in a load of strategically mouldy curds floating atop, and you've got something even a goat would turn its nose up at - and I once saw one eat a man's car keys at a petting zoo. It was OK though - it was for a BMW, so he probably deserved it.
Still, we assess technical performance first - it might taste horrendous, but did it spread like...er...a knife through butter? (Ideal if it did, in the circumstances.)
And here, aside from the cold custard being a bit wobbly, I can't really fault it. It spreads very easily and it looks the part. If anything, it looked a fair bit nicer than the cheese. Talking of which, how do you tell when cheese with mould in goes mouldy? Because to me that looks preeeeeetty mouldy. Hmm.
Given the above, and the potential for bad mould as opposed to deliberate mould, I bit into this with some considerable trepidation. But you know what? My gob was considerably smacked. I'd go as far as saying this was actually, genuinely nice. I reckon if you blindfolded someone they'd be hard pressed to tell the difference between this and the popular and entirely legit filling of brie and cranberry. This might be *slightly* eggier because of the custard, but that's about my only complaint. So I can only conclude I'm either an accidental genius or I've broken my mouth bits and have got taste bud aphasia, but I tell you what - this unexpected egg-based bogus cranberry incident is going right in at No. 1 on the chart (yes, I'm still doing this bit; no, I don't know why).
Can corned beef and toothpaste pull off a similar shock? No, obviously not. It'll taste like shite. Oh well, postponed it for a day, anyway!
Anyway, today's admirable understudy is certainly an interesting one. It was originally going to feature later in the week as custard and fish fingers in tribute to Doctor Whom (I don't know him/her, so only seems right to be more formal). But as I had the cheese and - more importantly - it was going to go out of date tomorrow, it seemed a shame to waste it. In as much as shoving it in a sandwich with a generous dollop of dessert sauce isn't wasting it AND a load of other stuff.
Still, as the French would say, Regarde! Le baguette de creme anglaise avec fromage diabolique! Bof!
TODAY'S SPECIAL
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| One of these days, I must look up what 'DOP' means. I assume it isn't just some slang term to indicate something excellent they add to make cheese sound hip and 'with it' to attract a more youthful, trendy audience - you know, like 'Hey dawg, hit me up with that gorgonzola. It's DOP!' |
And of course cold custard isn't particularly pleasant on its own, given it resembles a jaundiced jellyfish. Throw in a load of strategically mouldy curds floating atop, and you've got something even a goat would turn its nose up at - and I once saw one eat a man's car keys at a petting zoo. It was OK though - it was for a BMW, so he probably deserved it.
Still, we assess technical performance first - it might taste horrendous, but did it spread like...er...a knife through butter? (Ideal if it did, in the circumstances.)
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| Well it looks like I'm about to eat a sandwich filled with bits of an old broken china plate with a blue stripe around the rim, but you know what - that's not a bad match for buttery spreads visually. |
And here, aside from the cold custard being a bit wobbly, I can't really fault it. It spreads very easily and it looks the part. If anything, it looked a fair bit nicer than the cheese. Talking of which, how do you tell when cheese with mould in goes mouldy? Because to me that looks preeeeeetty mouldy. Hmm.
THE RESULTS
Given the above, and the potential for bad mould as opposed to deliberate mould, I bit into this with some considerable trepidation. But you know what? My gob was considerably smacked. I'd go as far as saying this was actually, genuinely nice. I reckon if you blindfolded someone they'd be hard pressed to tell the difference between this and the popular and entirely legit filling of brie and cranberry. This might be *slightly* eggier because of the custard, but that's about my only complaint. So I can only conclude I'm either an accidental genius or I've broken my mouth bits and have got taste bud aphasia, but I tell you what - this unexpected egg-based bogus cranberry incident is going right in at No. 1 on the chart (yes, I'm still doing this bit; no, I don't know why).
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| I'm only 3 days in and I've pretty much run out of witty captions for this bit. So, um...how have you been? |
Can corned beef and toothpaste pull off a similar shock? No, obviously not. It'll taste like shite. Oh well, postponed it for a day, anyway!
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