I CAN BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER, DAY 1: JAM & MUSTARD
We've all done it. We've all thought there's some adequate level of marge left in the fridge, made some toast before checking, and then discovered in fact only the tiniest scraping remains. Then, of course you have to force down a more or less dry piece of toast out of sheer bloody mindedness. And by you, I mean me because what sort of monster leaves toast uneaten?
Anyway, this weeks' fun (for you, not me) is about finding the best 'Plan B' in such circumstances, assuming that you're too lazy to go to the shops or your leg has just fallen off or something. I've lined up a delightful* array of choices for both sweet and savoury, so without even the pretence of a first ado given I did the actual making and eating hours ago, let alone a further one, let's dive in!
*horrible
I thought I'd start myself off gently. Well, as gently as this blog gets, so not actually gently at all - a bit like taking up diving and deciding to swim the length of the Marinas Trench with lead flippers in your first week. Anyway, today, we're going for jam and mustard. Mainly because I thought if I said it quickly enough my brain would hear 'ham and mustard' and I could get about 2/3rds of the way through before I was grassed up by my tastebuds.
As people who are more concerned with presentation often say, we eat with our eyes. So assuming they don't mean that literally, as I don't think I could force a crust down my tear ducts, how does it look?
Mmm. Bit too much of a hint of 'poorly nappy' hue for my liking (as in, any hint at all). But the most important part is, how did it taste? Well, like this:
I thought this was going to be really really, horrible. But remarkably, it was actually thoroughly tolerable! Well, if you ignore the involuntary weeping. And that's the main problem - English mustard is so pungent that even though the jam masked the strong flavour unexpectedly well, it did nothing for the fumes. It's a bit like putting a fire blanket over a blaze in Lush: it'd probably get the flames, but christ it'll still reek.
So what I was left with was a sandwich that tasted vaguely fruity, strangely warm and blasted your sinuses inside out like you'd just shoved a roman candle up each nostril - essentially, I've created a tunes-flavoured lunch snack. So next time you have a cold and a bunged-up nose, don't bother with expensive cures - just make yourself one of these guys!
But what's that done to the scoreboard, I hear none of you cry as this is day 1 and you didn't know there was a scoreboard? Let's have a look, shall we!
As we can see, jam & mustard slots in to an early lead. Though as it's 1 of 1, that's not really enormously surprising I admit. Can it hang on tomorrow? Probably, as I reckon I'm going to hate Tuesday's effort. In the meantime, I'm off for another surprisingly fiery burp.
Anyway, this weeks' fun (for you, not me) is about finding the best 'Plan B' in such circumstances, assuming that you're too lazy to go to the shops or your leg has just fallen off or something. I've lined up a delightful* array of choices for both sweet and savoury, so without even the pretence of a first ado given I did the actual making and eating hours ago, let alone a further one, let's dive in!
*horrible
TODAY'S SPECIAL
 |
| To be honest, using 'best of raspberry' jam in the circumstances was probably overkill. 'Arse-end of raspberry' would have been just fine. |
I thought I'd start myself off gently. Well, as gently as this blog gets, so not actually gently at all - a bit like taking up diving and deciding to swim the length of the Marinas Trench with lead flippers in your first week. Anyway, today, we're going for jam and mustard. Mainly because I thought if I said it quickly enough my brain would hear 'ham and mustard' and I could get about 2/3rds of the way through before I was grassed up by my tastebuds.
As people who are more concerned with presentation often say, we eat with our eyes. So assuming they don't mean that literally, as I don't think I could force a crust down my tear ducts, how does it look?
 |
| It could almost pass for butter if you just said the contrast had been turned up in your house. |
Mmm. Bit too much of a hint of 'poorly nappy' hue for my liking (as in, any hint at all). But the most important part is, how did it taste? Well, like this:
THE RESULTS
I thought this was going to be really really, horrible. But remarkably, it was actually thoroughly tolerable! Well, if you ignore the involuntary weeping. And that's the main problem - English mustard is so pungent that even though the jam masked the strong flavour unexpectedly well, it did nothing for the fumes. It's a bit like putting a fire blanket over a blaze in Lush: it'd probably get the flames, but christ it'll still reek.
So what I was left with was a sandwich that tasted vaguely fruity, strangely warm and blasted your sinuses inside out like you'd just shoved a roman candle up each nostril - essentially, I've created a tunes-flavoured lunch snack. So next time you have a cold and a bunged-up nose, don't bother with expensive cures - just make yourself one of these guys!
But what's that done to the scoreboard, I hear none of you cry as this is day 1 and you didn't know there was a scoreboard? Let's have a look, shall we!
 |
| You say 'crappy and hand drawn'. I say 'artisan graphics work'. (Unfortunately for me, I'm fooling no one and you're right.) |
As we can see, jam & mustard slots in to an early lead. Though as it's 1 of 1, that's not really enormously surprising I admit. Can it hang on tomorrow? Probably, as I reckon I'm going to hate Tuesday's effort. In the meantime, I'm off for another surprisingly fiery burp.
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