I CAN BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER, DAY 2: HUMMUS AND NUTELLA
First things first: how the hell do you spell hummus? Is it hummus, houmous, hoummus, houmous or something else again? I've seen so many options I reckon they should just call it 'chickpea paste'. Sure, they'll lose a few sales at first, but it'll make it a lot easier for everyone in the long run. Whoever 'they' are, that is - and indeed if 'they' even exist: admittedly I've made it sound like there's some sort of legume puree cartel, but honestly I can't really see anyone being arsed enough to get organised about it (which is probably why there's no consensus about what it's called). It's just bloody hummomomouss (whatever) after all - I mean, can you imagine serious business meetings about crushed lentil impersonator nomenclature, with graphs and all the usual corporate nonsense?
What? Oh yes, horrible sandwiches. Sorry.
I'm on shaky ground from the start today, because know this dear reader: I chuffing hate nutella. Of course because it's made of palm oil it's also positively evil, being about as environmentally sound as kicking the shit out of a giraffe and then setting light to David Attenborough, so at least these days I get to be smug about hating it as well rather than just be told I'm a picky eater. Which is nice.
Anyway, for some reason I thought I'd liven this up even further by getting not regular hummus, but jalapeno hummus (my weak justification being it was slightly yellower in hue, and therefore a better fit for this 'project'). So it's out with the knife and on with the (subsititute) spread. And then, on with the hazelnutty clag (and if any of my family are watching, YES I WASHED* THE KNIFE FIRST - THE NUTELLA ISN'T FULL OF BITS OF HUMMUS).
So was it as smooth a process as the mustard and jam?
In a word, no. To be fair, as my daughter likes nutella (despite my best brainwashing efforts - what are kids for if not to be blank slates for you to pass on your foibles to?) I'm aware from having made her sandwiches with it that it rips up whatever you're attempting to apply it to at the best of times. But here, the added yellowness flecked with red of the hummus really didn't do much for the visual appeal either. And when you're starting out from a point of 'generous dog turd someone has stood in and then wiped their shoe on a slice of bread', that's not great. Still, was it a taste sensation? Let's find out. Or rather you can find out, as unfortunately I already know.
Regular readers of this blog (yeah, like they exist) will know of my entirely irrational and yet 100% correct dislike of salted caramel - or rather, it's that *anything* caramel seems to be salted these days whether you like it or not, as if the un-salted option is some horrible reminder of a shameless period we're now all trying to forget (you know - a bit like when paisley shirts came back in).
Anyway, I reckon I've stumbled on the next big thing. And by big, I mean bloody awful for anyone who doesn't like things that are as freakishly wrong as the concept of a lap dance from Jacob Rees-Mogg. Because today's effort tasted more or less like eating a kinder egg that'd been soaked in vinegar. I can only assume the vinegary taste comes from a combo of the jalapeno and the lemon juice in the hummus, and various other flavours being 'white noised' out by the nutella, but the upshot is: no thanks. I like fish and chips as much as the next guy, but there's a reason my local chippy doesn't ask you if you want salt and vinegar on your chocolate cake as well - turns out it's bloody awful. OK, two reasons - they don't actually sell chocolate cake. But if they did, I bet it'd be acetic acid free.
Regardless, you've probably guessed this won't be a high scorer, but let's have a look at the still excellent and not at all lazy because I can't be arsed doing a nice one in powerpoint chart (I'm not Dave bloody Gorman):
A much deserved last place - but I suspect for only 24 hours. Tomorrow, we kick it up (down) a notch!
What? Oh yes, horrible sandwiches. Sorry.
TODAY'S SPECIAL
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| Normally the prospect of an all-brown meal would excite me, as they're excellent. Today though, not so much... |
I'm on shaky ground from the start today, because know this dear reader: I chuffing hate nutella. Of course because it's made of palm oil it's also positively evil, being about as environmentally sound as kicking the shit out of a giraffe and then setting light to David Attenborough, so at least these days I get to be smug about hating it as well rather than just be told I'm a picky eater. Which is nice.
Anyway, for some reason I thought I'd liven this up even further by getting not regular hummus, but jalapeno hummus (my weak justification being it was slightly yellower in hue, and therefore a better fit for this 'project'). So it's out with the knife and on with the (subsititute) spread. And then, on with the hazelnutty clag (and if any of my family are watching, YES I WASHED* THE KNIFE FIRST - THE NUTELLA ISN'T FULL OF BITS OF HUMMUS).
So was it as smooth a process as the mustard and jam?
 |
| That went well, then. |
In a word, no. To be fair, as my daughter likes nutella (despite my best brainwashing efforts - what are kids for if not to be blank slates for you to pass on your foibles to?) I'm aware from having made her sandwiches with it that it rips up whatever you're attempting to apply it to at the best of times. But here, the added yellowness flecked with red of the hummus really didn't do much for the visual appeal either. And when you're starting out from a point of 'generous dog turd someone has stood in and then wiped their shoe on a slice of bread', that's not great. Still, was it a taste sensation? Let's find out. Or rather you can find out, as unfortunately I already know.
THE RESULTS
Regular readers of this blog (yeah, like they exist) will know of my entirely irrational and yet 100% correct dislike of salted caramel - or rather, it's that *anything* caramel seems to be salted these days whether you like it or not, as if the un-salted option is some horrible reminder of a shameless period we're now all trying to forget (you know - a bit like when paisley shirts came back in).
Anyway, I reckon I've stumbled on the next big thing. And by big, I mean bloody awful for anyone who doesn't like things that are as freakishly wrong as the concept of a lap dance from Jacob Rees-Mogg. Because today's effort tasted more or less like eating a kinder egg that'd been soaked in vinegar. I can only assume the vinegary taste comes from a combo of the jalapeno and the lemon juice in the hummus, and various other flavours being 'white noised' out by the nutella, but the upshot is: no thanks. I like fish and chips as much as the next guy, but there's a reason my local chippy doesn't ask you if you want salt and vinegar on your chocolate cake as well - turns out it's bloody awful. OK, two reasons - they don't actually sell chocolate cake. But if they did, I bet it'd be acetic acid free.
Regardless, you've probably guessed this won't be a high scorer, but let's have a look at the still excellent and not at all lazy because I can't be arsed doing a nice one in powerpoint chart (I'm not Dave bloody Gorman):
 |
| I've got one of those retro glow-type bulbs in my office - my glorious chart hasn't started yellowing with age already. |
A much deserved last place - but I suspect for only 24 hours. Tomorrow, we kick it up (down) a notch!
NEXT TIME: TOOTHPASTE AND CORNED BEEF
*OK I licked it. But it was still clean (apart from the lick).
But salt and vinegar crisps dipped in chocolate fondue work - there is hope for vinegar and sweet cocoa to get along...
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